Note: Putting this up again :) Reading it while making that quick edit gave me goosebumps... lolz oh boy, im so into seungri! lolz (I wrote this during his Strong Baby promotions, got inspired by those abs... lol) ~crazy ajumma!
AFFAIR
I
I slowly pushed the door open and was about to grope for the switch when I realized that it won’t matter, I withdrew my hand—I know my way inside that place even in darkness. Slipping my stilettos off and kicking them on the floor, I massaged my temples and slumped on the nearest corner I managed to fall unto. There was a wave of placid air that enveloped me, maybe it’s because the place is my sanctuary.
Just a few days after I arrived, I did a major refurbish of the whole floor, partly to get rid of the five-year unwanted tenants that took my place when I left and partly to purge the memories it holds. I did a great job on the first motive; the second one is still in question.
I closed my eyes and the scenes flashed into my memory. The great ballroom, the display of lights, the overflowing wine, the gorgeous gowns, the dazzling jewelries… orchestrations. Like in a fairytale. I have been in most of those charades for the past five years so it was another same old same. But it was totally different. Totally beyond those I danced my way before.
I remember those eyes—searching, asking, and begging. But there were anger, frustration and jealousy. I can read those pools the very same way I read them before… because those mirrors were and are meant only to look at me.
After a few minutes of empty contemplations, I gathered myself up and went straight to the bathroom. The image that stared back at me looked the same but almost different… five years of trying. The black chiffon faux-wrap dress was in contrast with the blush pink—almost white wall. The garnet chandelier earrings hang loosely and complemented the pale flushed visage. The lost strands wandered on each side. The bare neck was stripped with the lush diamond teardrop necklace. The redden skin… the fading colors… the tear-smudged eyes…
I don’t know her—I don’t know that person that stares blindly back at me.
I heard that you will marry him…
Does his touch feel better than mine?
Does his kiss taste better than mine?
Or are they the same?
Almost the same?
Since he is my brother…
Ahhh… yes, because he was the first one who taught you how to lie in bed…
I raised one hand and gazed at my palm. Hollowed with the redness it was hours ago. It was the hardest I ever laid a hand on since I could remember. The palm that used to caress his bare chest left an indelible mark on his cheek. Not that my fingers will retain where it landed but it surely cut him way inside. Now I am regretting… I don’t want to regret what I did, but I am. I love him… still loving him…
I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have let him dance with you.
Can I ask you that question now?
When I asked you before if you still love him, you said you’re not sure. But if you see him again, maybe you will know.
So, do you?
Do you still love my brother?
What was my answer? I can hardly remember despite my retentive memory. The words I spoke were unclear. Cut clear blurred.
~~~
The gathering left me with those empty bowls of popcorns and plastic wrappers of chips that lay silently on the table with one empty bottle of soda and half-full one. Cans of light beer scattered on the floor. I never complained because those were the remnant of another blissful occasion with the Reader’s Club who would usually hang out on my apartment some Saturday nights. I loved being with those young people as they made me feel young myself—but I’m not too old just a few years older than them.
The annoying sound of the doorbell made me leave that simple task. I hurriedly opened the door without taking a peek on who it was and was a bit surprised to find those curious pools with a slight smile on his lips, “mianeyo… I left my notebook…”
“Oh,” I moved opening the door a little wider and gave him way, “come in.”
I followed his every movement as he searched for his lost item then raised the notebook with a smile, “found it…”
I just smiled without moving away from the closed door.
“You got your hands pretty full here…” he commented as he scanned around the mess on my living room.
“I don’t mind,” I smiled.
“But I do,” he started picking up the trash and walking with ease on my little kitchen.
“It’s okay, I can do it…” I tried to grab one of the bottles on his hand but he raised it higher where I can’t reach—he has that boyish smile that caught me off guard in that instance.
He is one of those that I’m not really familiar with. Something very mysterious because he hardly talks when we are having those meetings or get-togethers or even in class.
“No…” he gave me those serious look that made me feel naked with all my clothes on.
II
“That’s why you look so familiar! When I read your name on the list again it struck me. You were that handsome fellow who always tagged along on our dates!” I laughed as I handed him the glass bowl that he dried with much care. His hands working smoothly, inspecting every inch of the crystal… he was a pair of wondrous hands. I studied every movement… very refined, very gentle. That moment I wanted to be that crystal on his fingers. I bit my lips. I’m so into it again but the kid was attractive—yes, he was a kid. How many times do I have to remind myself of that? “How is he?”
“Doing really well in my parents eyes…” he sneered, “like he always does.”
“Wow… I smell angst,” I tried to divert my wandering thought off his fingers, “I thought you have a good relationship with him. He talked so much about you before, you know…”
He gave me another sarcastic grin then turned to me, “why did you break up?”
“He went abroad. I never believed in long distance relationship—out of sight, out of mind, out of heart, something like that. But we’re still good friends now, sending e-mails once in a while.”
“Did he try to push you not to break up with him?”
“You know your brother,” I took the bowl from him since I felt like its going to melt if he continued rubbing it the way he did, “he said he loves me so much that he will do everything that could make me happy. And if being without him could make me that then so be it…”
“It’s stupid.”
“I know…” I let out a nervous laugh when he stared into my eyes as if trying to read my mind. I turned and was about to put my body on the counter to deposit the dishes on the cupboard but his hand touched my skin.
“No—let me,” he was trying to lead me back down but I shook my head so he just handed each one and I did the task.
When it was all done I sat still on the counter as he was standing in front of me. “Why did you join the Reader’s Club? I mean, you don’t even participate in my class… and, and you were—are always staring blankly at me.”
“Because I’m figuring out why my brother let you go…”
I opened my mouth to say something but there was nothing—no available thought for what he said. I shut my eyes tight and pretended to take it as a joke, “so? Have you figured it out?”
“No…”
“Oh…” I murmured.
“All I know is that he is stupid. I am not.”
It all started from there. The first time I tasted him, his lips moved on mine urging me to submit to his demands —me on the countertop. The sand clock was turned then… our time started.
The next day I woke up with the kid on my bed.
“I loved you when I was thirteen,” the kid confessed when I opened one eye. He was fully awake—fully naked, that kid on my bed.
“Seven years ago… hmmm…” I tried to smile. What do couples usually talk about the next morning after they just did it? Maybe for normal couples, normal thoughts. But for us… “puppy love… that time I was having my puppy love too.”
“My brother was your puppy love…” he said in a pensive look, “you were mine. I got to have you but you are his.”
“Do you think you should be over it by now?” those confessions were overpowering then I put a hand on my aching head, “Why did I even give myself to you last night?”
“Because you want me too. You’re just trying to evade that thought,” he pulled himself up in a sitting position.
“Yeah right, Mr. Know-it-all,” I gathered myself and clutched the sheets on my body and hid my face on my palms, “damn it! Did I give myself away? Did I unconsciously send you that message?”
“Hey, hey don’t get so psycho,” he laughed at my torment.
“Oh my god! stop laughing!” I stood and hurried to the bathroom then turned to him before closing the door, “I… let’s pretend nothing happened. This is utter madness…”
“Pretend? Are you kidding me?” I could hear him chuckling outside the door, “pretend that I did not just have the girl I wanted all my life?”
“Shut up!” I shouted back as I struggled to get decent before going out.
“When I read your name on the schedule, I signed up despite the fact that I’m not sure if it really was you.” he said as he followed me out of the bedroom, “then it was really you. “
“You should be over that petty puppy crush,” I argued while pouring hot water on my mug, “do you want coffee? I don’t have milk,” he laughed at that. My mind was racing like hell.
“I’m old enough to drink coffee, thank you very much.”
“Okay, coffee…” I mumbled then looked down on my mug again, “can you please put something on first?”
“Oh! okay.”
I leaned on the fridge and bump my head for a couple of times while cursing myself. He went out for a few minutes fully dressed and walked towards me, “no… you stay right there. Please, we can’t do this.”
“Why not? I like you—no, I love you, and I know you want me too though we know how crazy it is.”
“Why? First, I am four years older than you. Second, I am your Lit professor. And lastly, your brother is my ex-boyfriend! So yeah, you can call it absolutely crazy!”
“Then you want to just forget what happened last—“
“Don’t remind me… yeah, let’s forget about it,” I waved my hand in the air and fell on the chair, “…please.”
“Can you? Can you forget about it?” He sat in front of me sipping his coffee, “because me, I can’t…” his puppy eyes stared at me.
I adored him. I doted on him. I was crazy over him. He was the brother I never had. He was the friend I don’t have. He was my lover. He was my baby boy.
The sand clock was slowly pouring down…
III
I sat on the side of the bed and gazed at that body that occupied my dreaming haven. It has been months after that and most of the nights I shared that bed with him—I finally gave in, he was irresistible and he knew when to use his charms. I traced my fingers on his clothed chest and slowly played on each little buttons to finally expose the sculptured skin. He was so young to have that kind of body, but I love it.
Gently, I bended down and inhaled his musky fragrance—far from the normal baby scent, but I loved it especially when he would come after his dance rehearsals… my baby sweat on his clothes again. I smiled to myself for being that impish and withdrew my face on his chest.
“If you want to do something, do it,” he said without opening an eye, “it’s my pleasure to be sneaked by you…”
“My baby is fully awake and…” I finally laid my lips on the side of his “and wants to be sneaked… but I want that kind of thrill… I can’t sneak up on you if you’re awake…” I laid a finger on his lips, “and so I’ll stop just… right… here…”
“Okay,” he mumbled with a lazy smile, “I’ll pretend to sleep… you sneak on me again if it’ll make you feel great…”
“Yes… okay…” I laid myself on the side and soothed his chest with one palm as my other hand balanced my body beside him. “I like… I like…” I chanted while planting idle kisses on his skin.
“Do you think a sleeping person won’t wake up with all those noise your making?” his chest moved up and down as he chuckled.
“Hey! You’re supposed to be sleeping!” I hit him lightly on the cheek. “okay… I won’t make a sound,” I uttered while trailing my fingers lower and lower until he grabbed my hand before it rested onto that something.
“Not yet,” he grabbed my waist with his other hand and kneaded me on the bed, “let me…” he took my defenses down and did the sneaking himself.
IV
“I’m going to marry you,” he said one day over a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereals.
“Yes, baby… but get you’re diploma from kindergarten first, okay?” I winked at him.
“Okay,” he stuffed his mouth with a nod, “but I’m serious.”
“I’m serious too,” I gave him that look then reached out to brush some milk on the side of his lips then raised my hand, “I’m going to wear your ring here.”
“Yes, you will,” he nodded again. “Four more years.”
Four more years.
V
I sat across the man I loved seven years ago. He has that same ready smile that captivated me before—accommodating, loving and caring, very gentle. So much the opposite of the other one. While he babied me, the other one, I pampered. It made me wonder why I chose the later.
“I waited for you last night,” he smiled sipping his coffee.
“I’m sorry, I have to do something the last minute,” I bit my lips hoping I convinced him.
“You are like my brother,” he chuckled, I felt queasy, “he left very early and when I called him he told me he was on a friend’s house…”
He told me not to get you pregnant yet. His words echoed on my mind as the little mice raced inside my chest.
“I was planning to run away with him and get drunk somewhere, but he said he needs to meet someone...” he chuckled, “I miss that kid…”
“He misses you too…” I absentmindedly said.
“What? Oh yeah, he told me you are his Lit professor…”
I nervously nodded, “yeah, but I just guessed that…”
“Well, I hope I can get into his world again. I mean, he’s kinda detached.”
“I admire you so much, oppa,” I smiled at him because I mean the words that were coming out, “how you love him sacrificing your own happiness. You wanted so much to run away after graduating from University but you don’t want to burden him with the responsibilities to your family…”
“Well, he is my brother. I don’t want him to experience the same suffering I have had…” he stirred his drink, “but there’s only one thing that I regret…”
My heart leaped because I know what he was about to say.
“… I had to let you go…”
“Oppa, I—“
“It’s okay,” he smiled in assurance, “I don’t expect you to wait for me for seven years… so, is there someone?”
“Y—yes,” I could have told him who it was but I got scared, “I… he—“
“I hope to meet him one day…” he relaxed on his seat but I was fidgeting, “I can tell that you love him so much.”
Am I that transparent? “Yes, I do…”
“Are you talking bout marriage?”
Wherever his questions were leading, that I can only wonder, “yes, but we’re both not ready for that…”
“Really?” he dabbed the side of his lips.
“How about you?” I have to keep the discussion away from that topic, “are you seeing someone now?”
“Hmmm… that’s a hard question,” he chuckled, “I still need to move on…”
“Oppa—“
“No, I’m just kidding,” he looked away then continued, “actually, one reason I came back is to see if I still have that place but then, since—“
“Oppa, you will always be special to me,” I felt sad and guilty.
“I know that,” he smiled, “I once told you before, I loved you like a sister. I still can now. Whatever that makes you happy…”
That was their difference that mattered, while the older one was a martyr, the younger was a hero. He wanted to make me happy so he’s letting me go; the other knows he could make me happy so he never wanted to let me go. Tough decision. I lived it.
VI
He placed the jap-chae in front of me and I gave him a thumb’s up after smelling heaven. He sat across me and I put his bowl of rice closer, “the new student is really pretty, right?”
“I have a new classmate?” he asked while chewing a mouthful of buchimge, “I didn’t notice…”
I glared at him, “don’t give me that. She’s like the talk of your entire department. I must say, I’m very impressed myself,” I stood and took the chilly sesame sauce from the fridge and poured a spoonful on his food, “she’s very intelligent.”
He continued eating silently as I went on with the girl’s credentials but I bit my tongue when he cut me.
“Do you want me to date her?”
“Date her?” I could sense the tension from the way he held his chopsticks, “I didn’t say anything, I just—“
“Why do you keep on doing this?!” his voice grew louder, “why do you keep on making me feel that you are pushing me away? Do you think I will stop this just because you want to? I’m not him, damn it!?!”
“This conversation has nothing to do with him so don’t put him in!” I watched his glare.
“So you’re defending him now! Are you planning to push me away now that he’s back?”
“That’s bullshit!!! Is that the me you know after all this time?”
“D@mn it! Just answer me! Do you still love him?!”
“Do I still love him? Oh come on, who am I having this conversation with right now? And who the hell am I sleeping with almost every night?!”
“Shut the fukc up!” he stood and banged the table.
“You shut the fukc up!” my chopstick flew in the air like it has a life of its own when I could not think of where to put that anger. My feet sprinted towards him when he gasped in pain, “oh baby… I’m sorry… let me see… please…” I pleaded as I tried to take his hands off his bleeding temple but he pushed me real hard that I fell on my bottom. The impact wasn’t so painful but my tears suddenly fell uncontrollably.
I hugged myself and cried on my own pain. I hated those times that we would be shouting and cursing and hurting each other. Those kinds of fights did happen for all the same reasons: the mention of his brother, the girls that buzzed around him, and every wrong reason in our relationship.
“I’m sorry…”
It wasn’t me. It was him as he took me in his arms and squeezed me tight in to him, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those…”
“No… no…,” I shook my head and tried to stop those annoying tears from flowing. That was the moment I felt like I’m the baby—his baby. I straightened and inspected his cut, “we need something to put on it…”
“It’s okay…” he brushed my tears as I wiped the red droplets with my own shirt, “I love you, pabooyah…”
I shook my head and kissed him lightly on the lips, “I love you. Next time please dodge…”
He laughed and kissed me back, “that was bull’s eye. Good thing you haven’t tried it on your students…”
“Actually, I tested it on you,” I giggled as the spicy taste of the sauce teased my tongue from his mouth.
“What am I going to tell my mom about this cut?” he murmured when his lips moved an inch away from mine, “I shouted at my professor so she—“
“Threw a chopstick on you,” I supplied then took his lips again.
“Hmmmm… would they believe me?” I could feel his hands inside my shirt clutching inside making me unbelievably stiff.
“But that’s the truth,” I tried to breathe in between words.
“Yeah,” he struggled to continue since I could not stop myself from ravaging his lips, “and… and I’ll tell them you kissed me afterwards to… stop me… stop me… from crying… and… and… heck! We should stop talking right now…”
“And who’s talking too much?” I laid myself on him—on the kitchen floor.
VII
I shook my head and turned the faucet on. If only the water could wash away all those that happened in the past years then I would get my retribution. The cold water teased my face even more as I continued to rub it as hard as I could hoping it could also clean the pain I was feeling inside. Then suddenly, my chest hurt... I felt like I was suffocated... the air seemed to get trapped inside and wouldn't want to go out. I heard my voice shrilled through the silence of the night as it joined the downpour of water from the open faucet.
I clutched my chest and bit my lips. I don't want to cry. My body helplessly slipped on the ground. That was when I realized I was breaking down.
I cried.
I tasted my salty tears falling down my face no matter how I tried to push them away with my palms but they wouldn't stop from flowing. I could hear my voice as I cried out loud. The pain was too real, the kind I never thought I would be feeling after all these years.
For the past years I left, it was just now that I regret. I regret being weak, I regret being coward, I regret being me.
Someone started a malicious issue about me-- I was keeping a young lover. Although it was true but we were good in hiding that nobody ever learned who he was. My career was at risk, so was his education. He tried to convince me it was okay and the issue would just die down as fast as it started. I got scared.
My parents learned about it and even his brother, but I denied and I felt bad denying the man I love but I could not help it. I was called by the school management and I denied. Everybody believed me but I could not risk everything so I decided to just leave. It was a hard decision and even the thought of telling him was harder.
I have seen him struggle with his education. I have seen him struggle to get his parents' approval. I have seen him struggle to free himself from his brother's shadow. I have seen him struggle to be himself.
And I don't want to risk everything that he still has.
I decided to leave.
Somewhere far, somewhere he could not find.
VIII
I was reading some notes to be discussed for my first class the next morning when the door opened and he walked in. He grinned at me like a little boy who just did some mischief as he slumped on the floor beside me and laid himself on my lap.
The pen slipped on my finger when his hand took mine and rested it on his chest.
“They're making a contest on who could find your lover...” he started with a grin.
“What's the prize?” I kidded though inside me it felt like a bad joke.
“I want to punch them one by one.”
His face turned serious so I slowly took the pillow on the sofa and placed it under his head and lied down beside him-- both of us facing the ceiling. “Don't mind them.”
“I could not help it...”
“Baby...” I turned to him but he just stared ahead so I looked back again, “how was dinner?”
“Same.”
“So you're going to sleep here?”
He would meet his family every week and if things turned sour, he would spend the night with me and even the rest of the weekend until he would feel better.
“You don't want?” he finally turned to me.
“Hmmmm...” I pursed my lips and he glared at me so I moved closer and planted a kiss on the side of his ear, “I would love that...”
He gave me a big grin, “so what's our plan for tonight?”
“I've got a couple of movies you would love...” I said and I started to get up but I felt his grip on my arm.
“Let's not break up, okay?”
It was so random.
Maybe we knew each other so much that we felt each other's feelings and even thoughts. That was the moment I was ironing my plan.
At first, I considered it to be a sign to give up the thought of leaving but a week after that my parents heard about the rumor and forced me to marry someone they chose.
So I ran away.
I ran away without anybody knowing.
Only his brother because he was my friend aside from everything else. He was the one who arranged for my migration and for everything I needed. I owe him my life.
XI
My eyes hurt from too much crying as I made my way into the kitchen. The glass almost slipped off my fingers since I felt weak even to hold on to anything but I managed to pour some water and took a sip.
He asked me to marry him since it would be the best way out of my problem but I said that I couldn't and told him the truth about my affair with his brother. The pain on his eyes was engraved on my heart because he felt betrayed but I could not do anything.
I was still thankful because he stayed on with me until I decided to finally go back home. I thought I was ready and brave enough to face those I left.
I know it was hard for him but there was never a day that I didn't asked about him and he was good enough to understand. I was still in touch with the man I love even though we were a thousand miles away from each other.
Out of sight, out of mind, out of heart. I swallowed it all, because I still love him.
Deep inside, I could feel his brother's unfailing love for me too but he never showed it. I know it was selfish of me to hold on to his younger brother but maybe I fell too hard that there was no cure.
Crazy but I found myself smiling despite the traces of tears on my face. How my baby boy has grown! He looked so suave and manly on his white suit. He looked like an angel but the fierceness of his eyes scared me.
It was the anniversary of their company and my first day back home when his brother asked me to go with him. I did not say no because it would be the perfect time to see him again. Knowing him, he would keep his cool and face me as calmly as he could. It was a perfect time for me to explain myself without the tantrums he would often throw on me. It was a perfect time since so far I have learned how mature he has become.
It was a lovely evening, the music and the laughter said it all. Because we arrived together, those who knew about our past made a joke of us making it all public and a silent declaration of our engagement. They were all joke and we both rode on it besides we know those people and our crowd were not the serious bunch.
But I never considered those ears who were not welcome to hear that kind of joke.
I thought everything was okay when he met me civilly and even whispered on my ear how lovely I became all those years he was not in my life. That simple statement was simply nothing but it appeared to me as a statement that I was forgotten and I became part of the past.
Because of that I decided to avoid him since it was a painful thought that I wanted to leave if not for his brother who kept me there and lead me to the dance floor for a final dance.
My heart almost faltered when he walked up to us and asked for my hand that the older one willingly gave away without hesitations. He trusted him too much.
“I'm sorry...”
“What for?”
“I wasn't able to say goodbye to you...”
“Does it matter?”
“Please don't say that...”
“Okay, I'm sorry. It's all in the past now...”
“Ye...yeah... I see you're doing good.”
“Finally.”
“I want to tell you everything.”
“Okay, tell me now.”
“Not here, I mean. This is not the right place.”
“Would the place matter to you?”
“S--”
“I heard that you will marry him… is that why you can't say it here?”
“You're mis--”
“Does his touch feel better than mine?”
“What?”
“Does his kiss taste better than mine?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Or are they the same? Almost the same? Since he is my brother…”
“Will you stop?!”
“Ahhh… yes, because he was the first one who taught you how to lie in bed…”
The crashing of the glass as it met the floor startled me back to where I was and my tears fell again. I cried louder. I hated the feeling. I hated what happened but I could not hate him... my heart wouldn't let me hate him.
I started collecting what was spread on the floor amidst the trembling of my fingers and deposited them on the bin beside me. I squatted on the floor and embraced myself-- embraced my pain.
Suddenly, the glimmering by the side on the bin caught my eyes. What could be more painful? Emotional or physical pain?
I held on to that piece and weakly neared it to my pulse. My heart was raising and the voices on my head wouldn't stop until I felt the pang of pain crawling from my skin and the liquid dropped on my dress.
I felt weak, my vision blurred.
Nothing seemed clear except for that voice and that scent that made me want to drift back to consciousness...
“Don't sleep! Please don't sleep! Hang on! I love you, pabooyah! Don't you dare leave me again!”
