A TIME FOR US

especially dedicated to my sone friends who believe in seungri when he said there's nothing wrong if taeyang and yuri date (lol)... and to tin-tin for allowing me to do this one (yes, we will not ship yuri or sica to anybody else)

if this story sounds familiar... pretend you don't know... ^^

A TIME FOR US

I

We were two lonely souls who tried to drift away from the superficial existence of life. We wanted something new… something exciting… something other people would want to have but too wrong for the kind of strict society we are living. We became lovers.

From the outside we were just mere acquaintances in the same circle of friends. We went to the same bar, we talked to the same people, and we eat the same food. But behind those we were lovers. I slept with him. He slept with me.

It was crazy, but so beautiful. We are each others relief. The get-away we always wanted to have. No commitments, no strings attached but no sleeping with others while we were on that kind of escapade. If the other wanted or needed it, we will be there for each other. Satisfying and amazingly gratifying. It was what we wanted.

We were friends more than lovers.

But we were the type who won’t be kept in the same situation for a long time. Many times I thought that we would eventually separate but our separation was more painful for me. He called me up in the middle of a business meeting saying he needs to have dinner with me.

“Are you sure you’re buying me dinner?” I smiled despite the pounding of my chest. It was a rare occasion.

“Of course!” he smiled as he took my hand and rested it on his lap, “I want to treat my favorite woman dinner.”

“I don’t like that tone,” I pulled my hands away.

“I met this wonderful girl,” he finally said as I just stared into his eyes, “I’m marrying her.”

I laughed. “I thought I was the only wonderful girl in this world?!”

“Yes, you are but…” I could tell that he was sweating.

“Arasso, Oppa… I’m so happy for you,” honestly I was not feeling anything at all upon hearing it as I took his hands and give it a gentle squeeze, “so when are you planning to kill yourself and offer your naked self to this other ‘wonderful’ woman?”

“I’ll propose first…” he took my hand and placed them on his cheek, “you will be okay, right?”

“Of course, I will be okay!” I gave him a little slap, “silly… what do you think I will do? Cry my eyes out for you?”

He laughed, “not really, I mean…”

“You’re not worth it…” I giggled then kissed him on the lips, “but I’m gonna miss playing with you.”

“Me too…” he said apologetically, “find a good man for yourself, someone who would love you.”

“I sure would,” I smiled, suddenly my heart was tearing.

“My place or your place…?” he finally said.

“Farewell trip?” I laughed, “yours, I would definitely miss it…”

We spent the whole night with each other. Like it was our first but it was definitely the last. I kissed him the way I would want to and explored him since it would be the last time to touch him that way thinking that soon he would be other woman’s.

we were as one babe
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so I'm letting you fly

The next day, I pulled away from his embrace because the time was up—the same set up… before dawn comes. But he pulled me close to him again, “no not yet. Stay with me for today. Just today.”

“But…”

“Please. Just let me hold you and touch you…” he snuggled closer to my bosom, “can you sing for me again?”

I smiled and hummed the tune that would usually lull him to sleep. I know we were losing each other but it was something beyond our control. We needed to move on. Find someone else. Find someone new. The way we found each other.

i ain't gonna cry no
and i won't beg you to stay
if you're determined to leave boy
i will not stand in your way

We barely left the bed that day but we did not make love anymore. Just holding each other. It was better that way. The kind of farewell I would want myself. I took my phone and read the message. I slowly gathered myself and watch him in his sleep, it was way past six in the evening. It was time. I had to let him go.

II

I did not wake you up because I hate to cut the beautiful dream you’re having. I have to go. My mom sent me message, she’s in Seoul and arranged a dinner with me already. I guess it’s about dad again. Anyways, I’ll just tell you how it went when we see each other with the gang. Thank you for last night and today and the rest of the moments with you. I will miss my baby boy… be happy, stupid jerk… :)

She left that night with the note placed on my dining table with my dinner. She was always like that. Before she would leave in the morning, she would make breakfast first.

I saw her again at a friend’s party after a few days. Her parents begged her to go back to Jejudu where they live. She has this clash with them for a couple of years so she decided to live in Seoul by herself. She was a rebel of a daughter. Someone who doesn’t want to be tied down, fenced up and choked. She is freedom. She was my perfect adventure.

When I told her about my decision, I did not see any pain in her eyes… just the shallow depth I would always see in her. So she took it as it was. Maybe I wasn’t able to get into her heart like I wanted to before, it was so easy for her to let me go. I had it badly but I did not show. That was the way it should be. We set the rules—nobody should fall in love.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free

We were mere acquaintance when we decided that crazy set up. I agreed because I had nothing to lose. She is so attractive to be resisted so we played each others game and became secret lovers. Nobody knew about us in our circle but I reckoned her bestfriend knew because she was always that sour on me. I did not mind. She made her choice.

It was an exciting adventure. But it was not all that we do. She became my refuge on my bitter days and I became her quiet teddy bear (as she puts it) when she wants to pour out her anger to the world and to her life.

And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.

“So you will be living in Jejudu?” I said on her ear since the music was so loud, oh how I missed her scent, “when are you leaving?”

“In three days time,” she leaned back on me, “and we will be flying to New Zealand after a week.”

“What?” yes, I heard her right but I just could not believe it, “why?”

“My dad’s specialist lives there and they have better equipment so we need to be there,” she said nonchalantly without realizing how her news tore me.

“So you will be farther away from me…” I tried hard to smile.

“Silly boy…” she was about to touch my face but she withdrew. I was with my fiancé.

“You won’t be here for the wedding,” I smiled weakly at the other girl on my opposite side.

“I’m afraid not,” she pouted then looked at future wife then, “are you sure you’re marrying this jerk? You don’t know what trouble you’re getting into!”

It was a joke as we all laughed. Then I turned to her seriously and hoped she felt how I felt, “until when are you going to be there…”

“The doctor said for a long time…” there was a glint of sadness in her eyes that I wanted to crush her into me that moment but I can’t. If I had it my way I would have asked her for her farewell trip again just to hold her close to me. But we drew our line.

She was leaving… finally leaving.

III

I held my baby boy who was sleeping the whole flight and kissed his pinky cheek. He will be turning three. It was almost three years since I left and the homecoming was bittersweet. I was stressed out thinking that I could not fly to Jejudu right away. Seoul is not a place for me. Especially for my baby. Too many memories hang above me… too many people I would eventually bump into… too many faces I should be staying away from.

I sat across my bestfriend and beside my mother who was clutching my hyperactive angel. His little hands want to touch everything he laid his pretty eyes on and I’m having my headaches hushing and scolding him on the restaurant. My bestfriend laughed as she sees that side of me. I am a mother now.

By heaven’s grace, the little one yawned as I kissed his wet lips and laid my lips on his eyes to finally bring him to his slumber. I closed my eyes myself and inhaled his scent. As I opened my eyes, it fell on a pair of deep brown eyes at around five tables away from us. He was watching us closely. My heart shuddered. I panicked. Logic turned over so I dialed my phone, “In Ho, where are you? Oh okay… pick us up. Yong Bae is sleeping already. Okay.”

Minutes later, my brother arrived and took my baby off my arms. It was better that way. He knows that I have a brother which he hasn’t meet yet. It was perfect. At least I have no one to explain my baby’s existence.

I walked ahead of them because I could still feel his stare. I was hoping he got the message. I am married too… just like him. I just hope he would believe that lie.

“You saw him, didn’t you?” Sica tugged me when I was about to enter the car, “I forgot to tell… he did not get married…”

He did not get married. Her voice rang on my ears. It was all crazy. Why? All I could do is ask as the car moved and I watched my little boy snuggling on my mother’s breast. Why didn’t he got married when he was supposed to?

I laid myself beside my baby and listened to his rhythmic breathing. He has his daddy’s eyes that I loved to gaze into. He has his daddy’s pair of lips that I loved to munch up before. I smiled as I kissed his tiny lips. But you have mommy’s ears and mommy’s neck that daddy loved to nibble on before. I felt silly thinking about it. I traced his T zone remembering the way I did with his father. Now I wanted to see him. I have to keep my pregnancy from him since it was one of the rules and since I found out about it when he broke the news of his impending marriage. Besides, I had Yong Bae with the same thought of not ever going to tell his father. He is the fruit of my love for him.

I know it was crazy but I found myself in front of the place where I shared memories with him or the place where we might have made my little angel. I felt silly as I pushed the password for his door—the numbers that represented our names. He might have sold the place for all I know, but the reason why I was there was still vague for me.

To my surprise, it opened. I took a heave before entering. It was dark and I know where the switch was located but I did not bother to open the lights—the way I did before when I sneaked there. I smiled because everything was on its proper place… not a furniture was moved and everything seemed to be well-kept. He was still living there and what I was doing there was a big risk. I went to his room and sat on his bed. Everything smelled him.

I laid myself on his bed—our bed. It feels the same. It’s softness and his scent was buried on it. I recalled how I would be there knowing he was still at work… taking my shower on his bathroom and leaving my clothes on the floor. I would lay myself on that very bed with nothing but his quilt covering my freezing body. I would wake up with his kisses and caresses and he would lay himself beside me snuggling me close to his heated body with all his clothes on and me…

I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with him for the longest time but I did not dwell on the feelings fearing he might just turn me down. It was better that way… just as long as I could be with him. I closed my eyes and imagined waiting for him just like before but I couldn’t sleep… I shouldn’t sleep there anymore…

When he said that he was getting married, it took three days for it to sink in. I was denying that it was happening but it was in front of me so I faced it. He wasn’t in love with me. That was all I needed to know. And now he did not get married, what was I suppose to do? It was just a wishful thinking that I was the reason why.

Now the memories flooded again, the way he would trace every inch of my skin and explored my deepest secret as a woman. He molded me. He made me. He created me. He brought me the kind of life I never regretted I had. I was his and he was mine on that place and time.

What could have happened if I did not leave? If we meet again now, would he think that Yong Bae is his? All those times we danced in that kind of relationship with me wondering if I stayed just his lover—a toy to play with. I may be brave but I never had the courage to tell him how I felt and what I meant to him. Who knows there is another woman using that bed with him now and I am an unwelcomed guest.

My lids became so heavy…

I must leave…

He might be home any moment…

My eyes gave in…

IV

My eyes could not believe what they were seeing. She was like an apparition… an oasis in that surge of people around me. She still looks the same but so much different. A mixture of this and that. An assortment of my past and my present and my dream. It was her… my eyes were not purging me because her bestfriend was there too. I was having goosebumps as the voice of the businessman I was talking with seemed to be some kind of incomprehensible murmurs.

Her face was a panorama of feelings as she dealt with the little boy taking her full attention. She would laugh as he would make faces at them. Frown when he tried to reach out something on the table. Smile when he would kiss her. Pout when he would playfully hit her face. Could he be hers? He must be hers by the way she would kiss him. Then the little fellow seemed to have fallen asleep in my woman’s arms. The little boy was her baby. Our eyes met. It was she who looked away… maybe she did not recognize me since it was just a passing glance.

Moments later, a man walked towards them and kissed my woman’s forehead and the older woman beside her. He took the baby in his arms and they walked away. Her friend saw me and I waved just to let her acknowledge my presence.

So she has married. She has gotten over me so soon as her son seemed to be almost three. I wanted to run to her and ask her if she still remembered me so I fought with my mind over the idea. Suddenly I found myself outside yanking her friend’s hand when she was about to ride her car. My woman was no where in sight.

“Tae Yang Oppa!” she said in a false surprise.

“Hey…” I ran my fingers on my hair, “it was Yuri.”

“Yeah…” she smiled weakly.

“Can you give me her number?” my mind was racing and it was the only thing I could think of that time.

“Hmmm…” she mumbled for a minute, “I don’t know, but can I just give her your number and I’ll tell her to call you instead? It’s not appropriate for me to be giving someone else’s number.”

She took my number, “please give it to her…” I called as she entered her car. I sounded desperate but I didn’t care.

I went back to my office and my heart ached thinking of her. Reminiscing the way I held her in my arms and got drowned on her presence. She was more than my lover, someone like a soulmate. Someone who became an obsession. We committed ourselves on that kind of play that started out as a safe ground but I slowly fell into her knowing that she was the one who set the rules and I was her mere subject.

She got me around her fingers. We loved playing games especially during our out-of-town trips— our little get-away from the world where we played newly weds on our honeymoon. I will never forget the way I signed her name as my wife during our trips to her doctor.

It was useless for me being in the office with nothing but her memories to keep me company. It was time to go home in that lonely abode I shared with her before. Another passing day of reminiscing. But it’s better today. I was closer to her than I ever had after almost three years. I clasped my phone on my hand wishing her friend really gave my number to her and any moment she would be calling me.

What does it make her to call her old lover while her husband is with her?

Then it was a blind hope. I shouldn’t kill myself with that kind of false assumption.

I pressed the password of my pad and stopped realizing I hadn’t changed it for a long time. Then continued without deciding what to do with it.

The house was in dire silence again, the way it should be. I went to the mini bar and poured myself some wine. Was it a wrong decision to cancel my wedding just because I was in love with my lover who happened to have no feelings for me after all? Am I just wasting my life letting her memory overpower me as I live in this solitary life? Now that I know she has moved on with her life, when should I start moving on?

I slumped on the couch thinking of the past. I would usually walk inside my room and go straight to the bathroom only to find her clothes lying on the floor. I had to pick them up one by one and fold them in a neat pile then stock on the dresser. And my woman would be lying on my bed curled into my sheets with her hair still damp.

“You’re home,” she would usually say.

“Yeah,”

“Why just now?” she said in a sleep-stricken angry whisper.

“Boys night out.”

“No girls?” she would mumble in a sleepy tone.

“No girls.”

“Really?” she was nosy even being half-asleep.

“I swear, no girls.”

“Good. Come here,” my slave-driver would command as I would hold her close to me with all my clothes on and her…

When I finished the last drop, I decided to go to bed with an empty stomach. I walked towards the bathroom and glanced at the empty floor. What was I expecting to see there? Or it has become a habit?

V

He noticed something on his bed. Did he make it that morning? He turned on the dim light above the headboard and realized that there was something— someone inside his sheets, then he mumbled to himself, “Darn it! I’m going crazy.”

He sat beside it and slowly lifted the covers. A surprise it was. He wanted to touch her face just to make sure that he hasn’t gone crazy yet. But he was afraid that the beautiful image might burst like a bubble if he touches her. She sleeps so soundly with a constant steering and making sexy sounds he remembered from long ago. It couldn’t be a dream because he was so much awake and a quarter of wine doesn’t make him drunk. Maybe it was his hunger.

He watched her closely, examining her facial features as if it was his first time seeing her face. She still has that sleepy chinky eyes that would dance when she laughs or smile. Her cheeks, although he remembered that she has that supple cheeks before, now it has become somewhat leaner. Her lips, full as ever. He just missed seeing it form a smile.

He lifted the cover some more to expose her shoulders. She was wearing a white polo shirt which was somehow found its way to be unbuttoned in an accidentally sinful way. What could she be doing in his house? Much less on his bed?

He could not help himself anymore as he brushed some wandering strands off her face. She stirred. He stopped dead… probably waiting for her to wake up.

She slowly opened her eyes then sat up when she realized where she was.

“Hey…” she heard him uttered weakly, “what are you doing here?”

“Darn It! I fell asleep,” she gathered herself up and tried to adjust her eyes on the teeny bit of brightness of the room, “yeah, what on earth am I doing here?”

He chuckled as he watched her stand and seemed to be disoriented.

“Oh, I need to go. I’m so sorry,” she said as she looked around for her bag that was resting on the side table beside where he was sitting, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to barge in here like this…”

“It’s okay—oops! Be careful…” he said then rushed to her side when she bumped on his working table, “are you okay?”

“Yes, thank you…” she felt crazily stupid that time that all she wanted was to fade away especially when he brushed his hands on her arms, “I should really be going…”

“No,” he ordered as she continued to move in a clumsy motion, “sit here. You’re not okay.”

“Yeah, I’m dizzy,” she smiled weakly as she sat on the bed again.

“When did you arrive?”

“Just this morning…” she said without looking at him.

“Let me get you something hot to drink…” we stood then looked back at her, “don’t move a muscle.”

When he was out of sight, she buried her face on her hand scolding herself for being so crazy but she could not do anything. She was already there. What’s next? Should I move a muscle?

He smiled to himself as he fixed her milk. He turned and found her standing behind him clutching her belongings on her chest as if someone was threatening to steal it from her.

“I can’t stay.”

“You’re husband is waiting for you?”

“My son is waiting for me.”

“So are you planning to get a divorce?”

“I never thought of that.”

“I did not get married.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Will you stay for a while?”

“I should—“

“Drink this first.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Back for good?”

“Guess so…”

“I want to meet your son.”

“Why didn’t you get married?”

“Because…”

“Okay…”

“Do you still cook?”

“My cooking still tastes bland.”

“I don’t mind at all.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…”

“You still live alone?”

“Where’s your wedding ring?”

“I haven’t got one.”

“Then he is mine?”

“I guess so… perhaps…”

“What is his name?”

“Yong Bae.”

“After my name?”

“Yeah…”

“Will you marry me?”

“Will I?”

Songs: Always be my baby ~ Mariah Carey

Half Alive ~ Secondhand Serenade